i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.