My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]