I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
gm
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.