His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
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friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Mistakes were made
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.