the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on