We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
*has no idea what a book even is*
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.