**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
You Might Also Like
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
first you must answer his riddles
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you