[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.