Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
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Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Hilarious if literal: arms race
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.