Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
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Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Krampus.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.