Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple