People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
me and the Superbowl rn
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
still the best tweet of the year by far
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?