I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?