why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
You Might Also Like
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I have never related to a cat more