My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.