I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
set yourself free xox
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.