Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.