I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
🙂🙃🥹