Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie