a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”