[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m tired tomorrow.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.