Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: