Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You Might Also Like
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.