Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?