Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets