Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Who does Amazon think I am?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off