guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.