“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen