Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
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Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I like donuts.
Twitter:
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Sorry not sorry.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.