3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
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my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
drew a comic about my origin story
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.