If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.