Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
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whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023