[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity