I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue