Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this