Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?