[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice