KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
me before I type out affect or effect
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
When you’re here for the treats.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.