*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?