*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
#Caturday
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.