I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]