Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
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WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.