tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
adding to the discourse
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.