Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
When you kidnap a writer.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?