I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
😂😂😂
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.