[adds another nod to the conversation]
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Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀