Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*