[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
You Might Also Like
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job