[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…