Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus